I have been writing on this site for almost a year about the realities of living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), but I never really got into the diagnosis and what I am fighting against every day when I choose to live. Why do I say it that way? Because every moment that I don’t listen to the temptations to escape this world I am choosing to live. I am choosing to exist. But I know it is a choice every single minute.
While researching this disorder, I came across this quote, “DID is arguably one of the most misunderstood and controversial diagnoses in the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). But it is a real and debilitating disorder that makes it difficult for people to function.” OH HOW I agree with that statement!!! Although previously thought to be a rare disorder, it has been found that 1 in 3 of the general population actually meet the criteria for diagnosis of D.I.D., making it just as common as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Also, not all personalities are obvious changes, it isn’t like the movies or TV shows that have been produced about multiples.
The most comprehensive description that I could find that really explained D.I.D. was on the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website:
Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. People from all age groups and racial, ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds can experience a dissociative disorder. Its estimated that 2% of people experience dissociative disorders, with women being more likely than men to be diagnosed. Almost half of adults in the United States experience at least one depersonalization/derealization episode in their lives, with only 2% meeting the full criteria for chronic episodes. The symptoms of a dissociative disorder usually first develop as a response to a traumatic event, such as abuse or military combat, to keep those memories under control. Stressful situations can worsen symptoms and cause problems with functioning in everyday activities. However, the symptoms a person experiences will depend on the type of dissociative disorder that a person has.
Symptoms and signs of dissociative disorders include:
- Significant memory loss of specific times, people and events
- Out-of-body experiences, such as feeling as though you are watching a movie of yourself
- Mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide
- A sense of detachment from your emotions, or emotional numbness
- A lack of a sense of self-identity
The symptoms of dissociative disorders depend on the type of disorder that has been diagnosed.
My particular diagnosis is D.I.D. which includes this explanation on the NAMI site:
Dissociative identity disorder. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by alternating between multiple identities. A person may feel like one or more voices are trying to take control in their head. Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices. People with DID will experience gaps in memory of every day events, personal information and trauma. Women are more likely to be diagnosed, as they more frequently present with acute dissociative symptoms. Men are more likely to deny symptoms and trauma histories, and commonly exhibit more violent behavior, rather than amnesia or fugue states. This can lead to elevated false negative diagnosis.
The way MY diagnosis was explained to me was that I began to “fragment” or split into “alters” when I first underwent trauma as a baby. My physicians and therapists agree that I was under 6 months old when this happened. Because I have a very intelligent and creative brain, the way that my psyche coped with trauma was to create other sections that didn’t have to remember the trauma. When a trauma reoccurred, there was an “alter” to take the abuse, the main personality had little or no memory. The more traumas happened, the more alters were created. It is still my brain’s way of dealing with trauma: We split, creating another alter. One more name for the long list.
In the last 18 months since the diagnosis was confirmed, I have discovered the names to no less than 28 alternate personalities or alters. There is an overwhelming feeling that there are more that exist.
I have started a project, asking my “system” of alters in my brain what photos of myself or relatives that they identify with, attempting to give myself and my therapists a visual aid. This has proved difficult, but it is cathartic. It helps to look at a photo with the age that alter claims to be and see who those personalities feel they look like.
I am about half-way finished with the ones with which I have any co-consciousness (I hear them to any extent).
Here is a representation of “the littles” or small children in my brain:
The only alter who has chosen a photo representation that was not a photo of me (so far), has been a “protector alter” named George. He wanted to use the photo of my grandfather, George R. Slighte. So, I allowed it. I just want to know what THEY think they look like. It does explain why some of my little ones always get bruises on my arms: They think they are still little kids!
As I progress in therapy and in this process of recovering from the trauma I underwent as a human, not just a child, I will be sharing more when I learn it. I appreciate your support and your interest. Thank you.